“My call was like a gentle breeze...”
Fr. Teodulo “Ted” Gonzales, SJ, shared of his vocation story.

Little Offerings
My father had a renewal through the Cursillo Movement in Pampanga. I think that affected us in some way,” Fr. Ted started his story. Because of that their family would go to daily Mass after school. He added, “It felt good to be there. It was like a gentle breeze — literally, because in the church you could feel the breeze. And you would hear the birds chirping. Of course, I didn’t know it was vocation. But it felt good to be there.”

They also had some other devotions such as the Rosary, Benediction on Wednesdays, Exposition, May Flower devotion. These continued from his elementary years at the Holy Family Academy in Angeles City through his high school years as an extern at the Sacred Heart Seminary. “I suppose later, those little devotions, little offerings were slowly preparing me for the big devotion and offering,” he reflected.

When Ted reached fourth year high school, a guest seminarian in the parish announced an entrance test for those interested in entering the San Jose Seminary. That time, Ted was already thinking about the priesthood. “Whenever they asked us, ‘What do you want to take up when you enter college?’ I always said, a teacher or a priest.” So he applied at the seminary and was accepted.

Finding Meaning
He entered San Jose Seminary in 1974, two years into Martial Law and a time when a strong sense of nationalism was pervasive everywhere. In the seminary, he met Jesuits who fired up his imagination about service, generosity and the things of God. “Para akong nabubusog (I felt well-nourished),” Fr. Ted shared, since at that time, he was also contemplating his life purpose. “From that gentle presence when I was young, this time, I was looking for meaning,” he surmised. So Fr. Ted vowed to dedicate himself to a parish or to stay in a diocese.
 
But as he got more involved in the things of the country — problems of the urban poor, landless farmers and other poverty issues — his desire to serve also increased in scope. “I thought I was supposed to serve in Pampanga, but then maybe I could also serve in the whole Philippines,” he said.

This led Fr. Ted to apply at the Society of Jesus when he was in third year college. The two years as a novice exposed him to the spiritual exercises of the Jesuits. “I began to discover that God was inviting me to trust Him,” he relates. At first, Fr. Ted felt inadequate and insecure about not having the necessary talents — surrounded as he was by talented people. Eventually, however, he realized his concerns were not justified. “My fear subsided. I decided to just do my best,” he said.

The final Theology years before ordination are challenging years of affirming the calling of the priest. The questions “Was it the call of my father or my call? Am I called for married life or not?” have to be confronted.
When he walked toward the altar at the Loyola House Chapel on March 27, 1987 for his ordination, Fr. Ted was telling himself, “Here’s a guy who’s stubborn, at times slow in decision-making, impulsive and sometimes sexy…” And then reality set in: “I’ll be a priest for the people of God.” That made his knees shake.

But when the congregation started singing “Ikaw na nag-aalis ng mga kasalanan ng sanlibutan, maawa ka sa amin (You who take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us),” it felt like rain was pouring down on him and he kept crying and crying. “I didn’t know if it was because I wouldn’t get married anymore, or because God was good,” Fr. Ted reflected. “I guess it was both. There is something you renounce or let go, and it’s ongoing.”

Integrating His Story
Fr. Ted shared that God has been merciful and good, leading him to the family ministry since his ordination.
It started when he was a fourth year Theology student and he volunteered in a summer program at the Center for Family Ministries (Cefam). “I would collect papers, and then facilitate during retreats,” he shared. He joined the faculty right after graduation, and earned his master’s and doctorate degrees in Pastoral Counseling, while running various programs for Cefam.

To date, he has started seven programs for Cefam, including: Life’s Directions, a retreat for young people on making choices; On Fire, a retreat about integrating spirituality and sexuality; San Jose, a retreat-seminar for fathers and sons; Basa, a workshop on reading in order to lead through family bonding; Agimat, a workshop on building ethical leadership through virtues; Baga, a workshop to sustain the work of integration in other workshops; and, Binhi, a seminar on sowing seeds of Catholic identity.

Fr. Ted says he started these programs for partly personal reasons: “It was my way of integrating my story. But I realize it was not just my story. As I began to integrate my life and my story, I also began to heal the stories of other people.” He hoped that in empowering people to look into their lives, this can be a good influence for the country as well.

“I suppose that’s the calling for me, to integrate. ISA (ONE): iniisip (thought), sasabihin (expression), abot-kaya (attainability). During ordination, the priest is told, ‘You believe what you preach. Teach what you believe. And practice what you preach.’ It’s similar; it’s integrating all these things,” he concluded.

For Fr. Ted, his story and those of other priests and religious are also the story of the country. He sums it all up, thus: “I notice that we go through disorder and confusion in our lives, and all these distractions, emptiness and doubts. But we can find order out of chaos. That is the Sacrament of the Holy Orders. That’s the gift of the priesthood for me. It’s like integrating life and holiness by healing our stories. Then maybe we can integrate our nation, our country by integrating and healing our stories, our lives.”